June 25th 2026
This is my first time attempting to write a diary style post on this blog. I really don’t know what my full intentions are with these type of posts. But what I do know is that if I don’t write- if I don’t create, then I will die.
I know that sounds so dramatic but I fear it’s true. I have lived in a state of being that is contradictory to my very soul. I have denied myself to create freely for years. If I could paint a picture of how this has felt for me it would look like me drowning. I was drowning in the ocean of the internet, clutching onto the things I thought people wanted to see and screaming the things I thought they wanted to hear.
So for years I have been drowning and though I am still stuck in the waves of the current I am no longer grabbing onto whatever I can find. I am allowing myself to just float knowing now that God has got me. It is through the creator that I have this will to create and I will follow him so I can follow my own self more closely, intimately.
My goal with this blog if I am being honest, is to just be myself. For a long time I let the world tell me who to be, what to create, and it utterly confused me. I would chase jobs, relationships, and things that I now understand were never for me.
I have to save myself. If there is one thought that has been ringing in my head it’s that I have to save myself. No one is going to validate me on this journey, no one really cares even if I embark on it. But the one person who knows what this means to me is myself, and I am so tired of not letting her exist in her natural state, which is the state of creation.
I have so many things to say, every thought and feeling I have had in these past few months seems to be bubbling up to the surface now… but I will hold on and release those thoughts another day, or maybe never. All I know is this is my first public diary entry. This is something I have wanted to create since 2016 and now 10 years later it is coming to fruition.
I have been finding so much joy in my recent nature walks. I put on my weighted vest on just to feel something comforting. I feel it’s been helping with my anxiety. I have been having health concerns, feelings of not being able to catch my breath and they are constant and this has been happening for about two weeks now. I tried running and it didn’t necessarily help, then I tried walking around sunset with my weighted vest and it felt better. Even though there was extra weight on my body I could feel the stress release as I walked under the trees in my neighborhood.
I am going to continue with the daily sunset walks and find inspiration in the sunset and in the pink blooms on the trees by the lake. I pray that the tension from my body releases. As I start documenting my life in these diary entries. I want so desperately to be in a state of health and gratitude and to finally release this feeling of drowning. Life is too short, and time passes so quickly now. I don’t want to waste another second of drowning in the current, I am ready for the ocean to wash my body onto the shore of an island paradise. One that I have created from my very mind.
