THE DIARY / SEPTEMBER 3RD 2026
Today I write. Yesterday I was confused and upset with myself. But today I write.
I have been feeling this tug at my soul for a long time. It was faint and noticeable but not painful. I could tolerate it. I could manage the discomfort it would make me feel by acknowledging it was there but turning a blind eye and going about my days, my months and even years.
I have been chasing a life of freedom for well over a decade and I feel as lost and shackled as ever. Yesterday I was editing a video and as I was coming to the end of the edit I looked at this video and felt so disconnected from it. Like I was looking at work I had done that I was not proud of and could never be. Was it a bad video? No. Was it a video that was going to bring me closer to this freedom I seek? Also no. I keep making things that bind me to my old self, a version of self I created in fear and retribution of the one I desire.
I stared at my computer after my edit and I wanted to cry. Why must I keep on this cycle? Why do I keep creating these things I am not proud of, things that revolt me even? I stopped myself from uploading this video to my channel. I just couldn’t do it.
Genuinely, I cannot keep living like this. I have been doing this to my creative self for 15 years. I create, then hate, create then hate, and then I stay stuck.
I keep thinking of how I have to find a way back. I have to find a way back to being my 18 year old self. She wrote poetry, and it was beautiful because there was no fear behind the creation. Just pure curiosity and love for the process. Was it bad? Maybe? But it was pure and whole hearted and it meant something to me to create in that way.
I have to find my way back to her. I just have to. I have to find a way to have heart in what I do, to find curiosity instead of fear and love instead of loathing. I have come to accept that I am not happy with myself, that I must change my focus. I know now that my inability to focus may very well be the biggest problem with getting the life I desire.
I watched a manifestation video last night and the woman said to change your life you must first change your focus and that hit me like a ton of bricks to the face. It made me realize that I am not the woman I desire to be because the woman I desire to be she has focus. So in this journey of becoming a writer again, I must put into practice the action of focus. I must stay dedicated to keeping focus on the one thing I want more than anything in the world, and that is being the artist, being the poet. Nothing else should matter but existing in this state of being.
I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach because I didn’t have a plan but I knew that I should write, and already with every word I type I feel some ease from the pain and discomfort I feel. I am finally understanding exactly what I need to do to not only heal myself but become the artist.
For the longest time I was so scared to call myself that, I instead would say things like “I am a blogger” “I have a youtube channel” or I would say what I did for work, you know the thing that actually paid my bills. It was always so threatening to say artist because I felt like how dare I call myself something so real? something so pure? To be an artist it takes the ultimate sacrifice, the old identity.
Today I write. Yesterday I was confused and upset with myself. But today I write. I have been feeling this tug at my soul for a long time. It is painful and I can no longer tolerate it. I can’t manage the discomfort any longer. My head hurts and my heart feels like it will explode at any given moment.
I have to look fear straight in the face, and take the identity of the artist and heal myself once and for all. I have shifted my focus from pain to purity. This morning I can feel a shift, it’s subtle but it is there.