THE DIARY / SEPTEMBER 4TH 2026
I keep thinking of how yesterday I grabbed my journal off of my desk. It was labeled with my name and beside my name read a date, February 2026. I haven’t picked up that journal since maybe March of this year. The realization made me pause and then it instantly made me sad. You see, I want to be a writer. I want to be a woman who wakes up and instantly has the itch to put pen to paper and create something. But instead I have been a woman who wakes up and follows where my distractions lead me.
My phone, my TV, my Ipad, my computer, they all pull me away from the pen. I find myself conflicted this morning, though I am so grateful to even be typing thoughts of my very own down right now, I just had to watch a youtube video on “how to replace your dopamine addictions with creativity” the fact that I even clicked a video with such a title is very telling of the state I am in not just as a creative, but as a human being. I don’t know how I got here but I do know that I want out.
I want to break free from the shackles of data and algorithms. I want to be chained to the desk where I should be writing and pouring out my soul. I am so very deeply creative, I have known this as a young child. Many people may say this is egotistical to say, if so then call it ego. I know I was sent on this earth to create. I felt God as a child put onto my heart the love of words. Specifically, there is a time that comes to mind when I was maybe around the age of 10, I was riding my bike alone in the yard. Soon after getting on my bike and pedaling around it came to me. I started thinking of a melody and it turned into a gentle hum, from the hum it evolved into a chant, and from the chant came words. A song. It came to me and I kept riding in circles around the yard singing this song that came to me by no means of pen or paper, but by God himself. It just had to be him. Because it felt like heaven. It was pure bliss.
I am going to be thirty four this October. As my thirty third year around the sun comes to a close I am faced with a truth that cuts me so deep. I am so far removed from my childself, God, creativity, and self devotion. I have felt this way for a very long time and I have tried for years now to pull myself out of feeling removed from the things that once sustained me. I tried so many things. Held so many jobs, tried to create so many online businesses. All have failed, but because I chose them to do just that. I was never satisfied with my life when I was doing any of those things so I would give them up. They just never felt right and I didn’t feel satisfaction from the work I was doing. I have, however, been thinking a lot about the time that I was satisfied.
I was 18. I was filled with ideas, curiosity, and words. I was a blogger and I shared my poetry on a website called tumblr. In recent years I kept thinking of that time of my life and how that means I have spent nearly half of my life lost and dissatisfied and the thought alone is hard to digest.
I seek in my thirty fourth year to be found again. In God, myself, and creativity. I want to make art. I want to take photographs, I want to shoot films, and most of all I want to write again. I want God to fill my mind with peace so that I may hear my creativity calling to me again. This time I will pick up, this time I will listen clearly to my calling.